How to tell your children about separation

Plan the conversation together

Children take their cue from their parents. When both parents sit down together and give the same message, children hear that the family is changing shape but that the adults are still working as a team for them. When they hear two conflicting stories, or hear it first from one parent with the other cast as responsible, they are drawn into the conflict from the first day.

Before you tell the children, agree with your ex on the essentials: a short, shared explanation of why, the practical facts you can already confirm (where each parent will live, what happens with school), and what you will say if they ask questions you have not answered yet. Australia's Family Law Act 1975 centres every parenting decision on the best interests of the child, and that starts with how the news is delivered.

Points to agree with your ex before telling the children

Topic	What to agree
The reason	One or two neutral sentences you will both use, with no blame
Timing	A day and time when both of you can be present and available afterwards
Living arrangements	What you can confirm now, and what is still being worked out
What stays the same	School, friends, pets, activities, extended family
Who else knows	Teachers, grandparents and carers, and when they will be told
Follow-up	How you will check in with each child over the next few weeks

When and where to tell them

Timing matters. Child development guidance generally suggests telling children once the decision is final, so you are not unsettling them over something that may not happen, and before any visible change such as a parent moving out. A gap of one to two weeks between the conversation and a move gives children time to absorb the news without a long, anxious wait.

• Choose a quiet time at home, not in the car, at a restaurant or before school.
• Avoid special days such as birthdays, holidays or the night before exams.
• Allow time afterwards, ideally a weekend, so you are both available for questions.
• Tell siblings together, then make time for each child individually afterwards, especially if their ages differ widely.

What to say, and what to leave out

Children need honesty without adult detail. Most need to hear four things clearly, and often more than once:

1. It is a grown-up decision. "Mum and Dad have decided we won't live together any more."
2. It is not your fault. Children, especially younger ones, often assume they caused it. Say plainly that nothing they did or said caused this, and nothing they do can change it.
3. We both love you and that will never change. Parents separate from each other, not from their children.
4. Here is what happens next. Concrete facts about where they will live, school and when they will see each parent.

Leave out the reasons for the breakdown, affairs, money disputes and anything that casts one parent as the villain. Avoid asking children to choose, keep secrets or carry messages. If you do not know the answer to a question yet, it is fine to say "we're still working that out, and we'll tell you as soon as we know."

Adjusting the conversation by age

What children understand, and what they worry about, changes with age. The government-funded Family Relationships Online service and its family relationship advice line offer free guidance on talking to children about separation. As a general guide:

Talking about separation at different ages (general guide)

Age	What they understand	What helps
Under 5	Little sense of time; notice changes in routine and parental mood	Very short, simple words; keep routines steady; lots of reassurance and physical comfort
5–8	May think they caused it or can fix it; may hope parents reunite	Repeat that it is not their fault; concrete details about where they'll sleep and who picks them up
9–12	Understand more; may feel angry or take sides; notice fairness	Honest, simple reasons; invite questions; avoid criticising the other parent
Teenagers	Understand adult relationships; may withdraw or want more say	Respect their views and routines; involve them in practical planning without making them decide

Older children may ask whether they can choose where to live. Their views are considered, with weight depending on maturity, but there is no set age at which a child decides. Our guide on what age a child can choose which parent to live with explains how this works.

How children commonly react

There is no single "right" reaction. Some children cry, some get angry, some ask practical questions and go back to playing, and some seem unaffected and react weeks later. All of these are normal. Common responses include trouble sleeping, clinginess or regression in young children, changes in behaviour at school, and anger directed at the parent they feel safest with.

Research summarised by the Australian Institute of Family Studies consistently finds that it is ongoing conflict between parents, more than the separation itself, that is most closely linked to poorer outcomes for children. Keeping conflict away from children, and keeping their routines predictable, are two of the most protective things you can do.

The weeks after the conversation

The first conversation is the beginning, not the end. Children process big news in pieces and will come back with questions over days and months. Keep the door open, answer honestly at their level, and keep both homes as consistent as you can on bedtimes, screen time and school routines.

• Let the school know, so teachers can watch for changes and offer support.
• Tell grandparents and close family the agreed message, and ask them not to criticise either parent.
• Keep handovers short, calm and child-focused.
• Use a shared calendar or co-parenting app to avoid mix-ups. See our guide to the best apps for separated parents.
• Seek a counsellor or GP referral if a child's distress continues or worsens.

When a joint conversation isn't possible

Telling the children together is ideal, but it is not always possible or safe. If there has been family violence, if one parent has left suddenly, or if conflict is too high to sit in the same room, one parent may need to tell the children alone. Keep the same core messages, avoid blame, and focus on the children's safety and routine.

If you or your children are at risk, call 000 in an emergency, or contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 (1800RESPECT) for confidential support. Mediation may not be appropriate where there is family violence, and exemptions from family dispute resolution apply. Our guide to domestic violence and family law explains your options.

How mediation helps you get the message right

Court has its place, but it is rarely the best place to start planning a child's new routine. Mediation gives you a neutral space to agree the message to your children, the living arrangements you will describe, and the parenting plan that follows. Many parents find that agreeing "what we'll tell the kids" is the first point of genuine cooperation after separation, and it sets a pattern for the decisions that come next.

Our accredited family dispute resolution practitioners help you plan the conversation, draft a parenting plan and, if you wish, formalise arrangements through consent orders. Read more in our co-parenting mediation guide or about child custody mediation. Family lawyers and mediators work well together here, and we often coordinate with your lawyer.